Update: The video was made private. I could find another one to replace it, but I won’t.
Who was the first guy to try to burn a snowball?
I get it. Cabin fever will have you doing some strange things. Of course, if you’re at home in the Atlanta Metro area, shut in by the snowpacolypse, I have news for you. It’s safe to go outside. Pry the wood boards off of your windows and stop rationing your Cool Ranch Doritos. You made it.
We should be picking up the pieces of our shattered lives and trying to make sure it doesn’t happen again; perhaps, the dew-mageddeon of the summer of 2015? Or the sunny-daypacolypse of 2016? I mean, if the powers that be can’t steer this ship through a crisis of such miniscule proportions as two inches of powdery snow, then we can barely trust them to get us through drizzle.
We need to be asking some questions of our leaders right now. There has been a lot of analysis about what happened Tuesday night, but The Day We Lost Atlanta says it best. It isn’t all Kasim Reed’s fault, nor can the blame be pinned on Atlanta’s notoriously bad drivers. (They are bad!) Turns out, the Atlanta Metro Area is a big, unmanagable mess, broken into too many small municipalities to mention, each with its own agendas and motivations. Trying to keep the roads clear and clean just underscores the problem. And if we don’t find a solution now, we’re in for some serious trouble down the road.
Or, we can attempt to burn snow. Which brings me back to the original question. Who thought of this?
There has been a rash of people trying to burn the snow in their yards. They say it burns like styrophome and smells like plastic. They say the snow isn’t real.
Where is the first guy who looked out his window and said, “You know what I’m going to do? Shovel it? No, there isn’t enough for that. I’m going to burn it… just a little bit…”
Who is that guy, because he is some kind of genius. He has managed to create a conspiracy even more ridiculous than the stupid, stupid truth. We weren’t the victims of poor planning, or bad drivers or bald tires… It wan’t even HAARP, which manufactures real weather (if you believe that stuff…), not fake, Walmart styrophome snow.
HAARP is a target of conspiracy theorists, who claim that it is capable of modifying weather, disabling satellites and exerting mind control over people, and that it is being used as a weapon against terrorists. Such theorists have blamed the program for causing earthquakes, droughts, storms and floods, diseases such as Gulf War Syndrome and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, the 1996 crash of TWA Flight 800, and the 2003 destruction of the space shuttle Columbia.
The snow deniers don’t give us a whole conspiracy. Missing is the motive; why just two inches? I mean, if things had gone as planned, a foot wouldn’t have stopped us. Also missing is the how – it’s not HAARP, because HAARP doesn’t create fake weather, it modifies real weather. Who? They don’t say, but if it was a cabal of people who wanted to make us look dumb, you guys are falling right into their hands!
I’ve watched a few of these segments now. I want to cry bullshit, every time I see them. I mean, I’ve been around a lot of snow. That white stuff outside looks, feels and acts just like a whole lot of other snow I’ve seen. The thing is, in my 42 years, I’ve never to burned it.
That’s the problem. This would be so easy to debunk if there was a public record of snow burning. But there isn’t. And why the hell would there be?
I love conspiracies. I watched every episode of Jesse Ventura’s Conspiracy Theory, as well as Ancient Aliens… Small Change… even Doomsday Preppers. And I believe some of it.
But this is stupid.
The snow is real. It’s doing what real snow does. Yes, I did burn myself a little bit. Damn you for making me, but it behaved like snow behaves. Don’t believe me? Try burning an ice cube. Pick one from your fridge. One that you are sure wasn’t placed there by aliens, or the illuminati, and burn it. My snowball compressed and turned black, but it never looked un-snowy. It did, however, smell.
Why does it stink? Maybe it is polluted. Maybe you’re smelling the fumes from your lighter. I don’t know. All I can say is, stop smelling your snow. I know I will. I don’t know you, but I know you have better shit to do than that.
Like I said, I’m down with a good conspiracy. Just the other day I watched a news-ish segment about a woman in Gary Indiana who lived in a haunted house, complete with a priest, frightened cops and a child who walked backwards up a wall. And, you know what? I believe it.
If you’re looking for something conspiratorial, click the haunted house link, and then sprinkle in a liberal dose of hip-hop illumaniti sacrifices. Let Google guide you. In a half hour you will have a conspiracy of your very own. If you’re feeling ambitious, you can make a wikipedia page. But don’t burn anymore snow. Because this is the most stupid theory in an internet full of stupid theories. Besides, you have better things to do. Waffle House is open.